Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I Fell Down and Alicia Got Married

You wouldn't know it by all the attention I draw to myself with my big mouth and my online blithering, but being the focus of attention of a large group of people makes me want to pee my pants. The only part of my wedding I dreaded was the part most brides relish, the grand opening of the doors to reveal the bride in all her glory to the 100+ onlookers. All eyes on her. No thanks. I was totally freaking out on my wedding day about being the focal point of so many people. So when Alicia called and asked me to do a reading at her wedding I was humbled, touched, honored and terrified. I would never say no. I love my Alicia and I wanted to be close to her wedding and help in any way I could. So of course I said yes. I wanted to do it, I really did. But I knew the nerves would kick in. I'm glad I didn't know further in advance because I would have obsessed for longer than 10 days.

For the 10 days between the receipt of the poem and the wedding I looked at and recited the poem at least once a day. I practiced when I would breathe. I tried to memorize parts so I wasn't looking down the entire time. I practiced when to swallow so as not to let too much spit collect in my mouth (trickier than you might think!) The poem wasn't long but it contained words like "disdained" and "thine" and the ever feared "clasps." Go ahead, try to enunciate "clasps." It's a tough word!

The day of the wedding I was nervous. I recited the poem in the car on the way up to NH. Then a couple of times in the hotel room. To soothe my nerves my husband drew me a bath and made me some tea...uh ...not!!! To compound my nerves my husband revealed that he had forgotten his dress shoes at home (an hour away) and had to run to the mall to get a pair to wear to the wedding. Awesome.

When we arrived at the wedding my hubby, with his spankin' new kicks, dropped me and our friends that rode with us off close to the entrance. I stepped out of the car and right into a drainage ditch which, if you read with any regualrity, you will know is my one billionth time falling down while perfectly sober. There are two funny things about this fall:

One - I am geting so good at falling that I didn't hurt myself at all. My shoe is a bit scarred but I was remarkably unscathed.

Two - As soon as I fell my nerves calmed down dramtically. After I fell I was not as nervous. Weird.

As I sat in the chair and watched one of my best friends marry her one and only love it all became clear to me. I was so nervous because Alicia deserved perfection and I didn't want to ruin her day by flubbing up my lines, but the event was so moving, I began to worry I wouldn't be able to get through it without crying!

Well, I did it. I fought the nerves and nailed the poem. Even "clasps" came out as nicely as "clasps" can. I was so happy to be a part of the perfect day.

Alicia, if you asked me to I'd stand up in front of the world and have a zillion eyes on me.

But you'll have to supply the Depends.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I am Channeling Tippi

I really do wish my lunch breaks were less exciting. Maybe the city of Boston is channeling my husband from Brighton and trying to prevent me from spending money? Whatever it is, it's starting to get annoying. Yesterday it was the ugly dress brigade and then today I'm attacked!

As a follow up to my last post, I must tell you that I found a great dress at the Alter Eco in Allston. A sweet little vintage looking 1950s style dress that looks pretty nice on me. Excellent.

Now for shoes. I needed a new pair of black pumps anyway as my old ones are no longer wearable. What a perfect excuse to shoe shop. Yay!! On my way to DSW I was walking down Washington St when someone stepped out of a side street and disturbed a pigeon and it flew up and straight into my head. It batted me with its wing and flew off.

First of all, it scared the bejesus out of me. All I could think about was Melanie Daniels getting out of her rowboat (that she was using to stalk Mitch Brenner) with a bloddy head. My head could look like that!! Or even going the way of poor Annie Hayworth. Avert your eyes Cathy! Avert your eyes!

Secondly, gross. City street pigeions are nasty, filthy, disgusting creatures. The fact that a grody 'ol street pigeon was that close to my face is unnerving.

Such is the life of a Downtown Crossing office worker. At any given moment you could be pooped on or hit or puked on...not to mention the crazy pigeons!

Oh and I found a pair of pumps at Marshalls.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Slacker

Yes that is me. Slacker. I haven't posted since April? And that was a youtube video?

FAIL.

Anyway, enough self degradation. I mean, life has been pretty smooth lately. That is, until I attempted to find a dress for my friends wedding.

At the last minute, I was asked to do a reading for a good friend's wedding. This means I have to learn a poem well enough to not make an ass out of myself in 10 days. It also means I need to buy a dress. I mean I guess I don't need to buy a dress, I suppose I could get by on what I have, but I think it would be nice to buy a new dress for such a special occasion.

What in the blue blazin' hell has happened to dresses this season? I went everywhere and I can't find anything that isn't butt-ugly for less than $300! WTF? Don't these people know that there is a recession? I have to be in love with a dress to pay more than $150 for it. I went to Marshall's, TJMaxx, Macy's, H&M, Filene's Basement (who by the way had like 10 dresses in the whole store. It's June, people. Why are you out of dresses!?!?), Banana Republic, The Gap...I mean I have left very few stones unturned here. I found nice dresses but they either didn't have my size (is everyone on the planet a size 8??) or they were just WAY to pricey. Out of desparation I walked into Ann Taylor. I mean it's worth a try right?

Sigh. I walked in and the rack of dresses they had on the first floor were weird looking so I continued up to the second and third floors to no avail. As I decended the stairs the sales girl asked if she could help and I told her I was looking for a dress. She brought me over to the rack of weird looking dresses and said, "You should try on one of these."

I said, "They're weird looking."

She said, "They look great on, very flattering to the neckline."

OK I'll give her a chance. I mean I own a few dresses that looked rediculous on the hanger but once I had them on they were great. But this dress was sort of cone like, small at the top and flared at the bottom, sleveless with a very high neck and a ruffly collar. Not big ruffels. But big enough to have me call them "ruffles."

I tried on the dress and it looked exactly like I thought it would, like a cone shaped bag with a clown collar. Flattering to the neckline? I was so distracted by the clown collar I didn't even notice I had a neckline. And it was $130. Bwahahahaha!!

I'm running out of time and retail options. I should probably stop focusing on the dress and start learning the poem.